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Chamomile Tea
ACTUAL COLLEGE THEME PAPER – HEY I COULDN’T MAKE THIS UP
Remember the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”? Well, here’s a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.”Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.”The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca -last name deleted, and Jim – last name deleted.STORY:(First paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home,now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times,that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs,keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again.So chamomile was out of the question.(Second paragraph by Jim)Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. “A.S.Harris to Geostation 17, he said into his trans- galactic communicator.”Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…” But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
(Rebecca)He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,” Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window,dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed hurriedly and care free, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. “Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?”she pondered wistfully.
(Jim)Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President,in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean flooroff the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion,which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie and 85 million other Americans.The President slammed his fist on the conference table. “We can’t allow this! I’m going to veto that treaty! Let’s blow ‘em out of the sky!”
(Rebecca)This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature.My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent
(Jim)Yeah? Well, you’re a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. “Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F*CKING TEA??? Oh no, I’m such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels.”
(Rebecca)Asshole
(Jim)Bitch
(Rebecca)Wanker.
(Jim)slut.
(Rebecca)Get f*cked.
(Jim)Eat shit.
(Rebecca)F*CK YOU – YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
(Jim)Go drink some tea – whore.
(Teacher)A+ I really liked this one.
Chamomile Tea http://www.relationshipcontract.net/x1ChamomileTea.html
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The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews,
and testing were done there were three finalists Two men and One woman. For the final
test,the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions,no matter what the circumstances.
Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.You have to kill her.
“The first man said.”You cannot be serious. I could never shoot my wife,
“The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.
“The second man was given the same instructions.He took the gun and went into the room.
All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes.
“I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home
.”Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another.
They heard screaming, crashing,banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her
brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks.
I had to beat him to death with the chair.”–”Victory belongs to the most persevering”-Times-
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Just for Fun – Totally Random:
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people’s carts when they aren’t looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,”Code 3 in housewares,” and see what happens.
5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M’s on layaway.
6. Move a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you’ll invite them in only if they bring pillows from the bedding department
.8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,”Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”
\9. go up to one of the cameras they have on display and us it as a mirror and start picking your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from “Mission Impossible.”
12. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say,”PICK ME! PICK ME!”
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream, “NO! NO! It’s those voices again.”and last but not least,
15. Go into a fitting room and yell loudly, “Hey! We’re out of toilet paper in here!”
16.While walking through the clothing department, ask your self loud enough for all to hear, “Who buys this crap anyway?!”
17.Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you are taking it for a test drive
18.Follow people through the aisles, staying about 5 feet behind them. Do this until they leave the store.
19.Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from other aisles.
20.Hold indoor shopping cart races.
21.Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.or Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags against their will.
22.Two words: Marco Polo.
23.Relax in the patio furniture drinking beer until you get kicked out
24.Start playing football and see how many people will join.
25.Stand in front of the Wal Mart greeter and say “Welcome to Wal Mart” before the greeter can.
26.Have a long conversation with the greeter so that he/she cannot greet customers entering the store or give them a shopping cart.
27.Roll a tire down the aisle and chase after it.
28.Go to the auto department and get a few jugs of antifreeze, put them in the freezers in the grocery department.
29.Put on a baseball helmet backwards, a hunting vest, a big stuffed bear under one arm and a pool cue. Tiptoe in and out of isles and yell “BANG” while pointing the pool cue at customers and employees, then jump into an isle where they can’t see you. or Commando crawl through isles doing the same thing, but roll off into other isles and crawl away as fast as possible.
30. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.
Facebook | 30 THINGS TO DO AT WALMART
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Here are some questions received by Australians from foreigners, along with some smart ass replies.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir play every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You’re a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don’t stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first!
Q: Can I find the terrorist “George Fernandez” in Queensland ? ( from Moronic Anko san from Japan)
A: Yes, but you will find plenty more at Kings Cross (Melbourne). You have to come naked, we don’t want any surprise for the girls.
copied from http://www.just-whatever.com/2007/07/15/crazy-tourist-questions/
PERFECT DAY FOR A WOMAN:
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8:30 Weigh 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday.
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend’s wife, she has gained 30 lbs..
1:00 Shopping with friends.
3:00 Nap.
4:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer.
4:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage
5:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
10:00 Hot shower. Alone.
10:30 Make love.
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.
PERFECT DAY FOR A MAN:
6:00 Alarm.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section.
7:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee.
7:30 Limo arrives.
7:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport.
8:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
9:45 Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par.
11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens.
12:15 Blowjob.
12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.
2:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis.
2:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.
3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew.
4:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin-1249 lbs.
5:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked supermodel.
7:00 Watch CNN Newsflash. Clinton resigns.
7:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20 Oz. New York strip.
9:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar.
10:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs.
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi.
11:45 Go to bed.
11:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.
11:55 Laugh yourself to sleep.
